Dede's Story

What I hope to do is help anyone going through what we did and continue to go through.  Even though I question God I know without Him I'd be lost today.  A song sung by Natalie Grant written by a friend who lost two people dear to her in 48 hours, has been a big help to me.  Mine was my husband and exactly one week later my mom.   The song explains how God never promised we would not suffer here on earth - the promise was when we fell He would be there with us and that this is only the beginning and heaven is forever.  And I do truly believe this even though I get angry at God, I am also gratful and believe totally that he sent His son and made the ultimate sacrifice for those who believe and that I will be reunited with my loved ones one day.

Almost 23 years ago Alex and I lost Our first born and I often wondered what the point was? what did I learn from this horrible experience?  I now know God saw the whole picture and I learned about grief from losing Anthony.  After he died everyone said take your time, grieve, don't make any major decesions.  Well we didn't listen we left San Diego and moved back to Bakersfield, started new jobs and became pregnant right away.  Not that we regret all those decesions, just the timing.  Grief takes time, you're foggy, not clear headed.  After Alex died I wanted to run away, move to San Diego and leave my problems behind.  But I know it doesn't work that way.  The grief follows you and can't be hurried - it takes time to work through.  God protects us that way.  It comes to us a little at a time, because we can only deal with it a little at a time. Alex's illness and death were ugly and it isn't easy to get over. 

We started dating when I was 15 and he was 18, and we shared everything for almost 30 years.  Some people may not buy it, but I know it's true.  We had no secerts even when he got really bad, he wanted to spare my feelings and lie and say he was fine but he'd always confess the truth.  He was the most honest person I will ever know.  He never lost his faith.  He never said why me? He always believed God would heal him, he just didn't know it wouldn't be here, it would be in heaven.  

Grief is a very difficult journey.  There are no two-for-one deals, and even though the two most important people in my life died 10 months ago one week apart, I haven't even begun to deal with my Mom.  Alex's death is huge.  He was my everything - we did everything together - we had no separate interests - we did it all together, work, play everything that I liked he liked and vice-versa.  We liked being together and spent all our time that way.  So needless to say, his death has left a huge hole in my life.  I know through the illness that God was preparing me to depend more on Him and less on Alex, which was very difficult for me because Alex took very good care of me for a long time.  I had a difficult time realizing he couldn't, even though he never stopped trying.  My mom would try with all her might to cheer me up, never truly understanding my grief because unless you live it everyday you can't get it.  I would call her crying and she being a mom wanted to fix it, not getting that that's not what I wanted - I just needed her to listen and understand how hard it was to miss someone that was right there the disease was taking him away.  I now know she did get it because she lost me through the disease too.  You can't go to UCLA every other month, all the procedures we went through and see the things I saw and not change.  I always said it would be easier to be the patient than watch the person you grew up with, built your life with, go through all the things he did and not become jaded.  I think that's why my Dad's marriage was so difficult for me because it forced me to deal with my Mom's death before I was ready.  It doesn't mean I don't want my Dad to be happy.  It's just that I'm still dealing with things and I wasn't ready for that yet, maybe ????  Who knows.  It's just another thing other people aren't going to understand unless they've been there.  Grief is a difficult thing and no two people do it the same.

The Alex Demos foundation is a work in progress - what direction it takes I'm not sure - but I know I want to make the journey through illness and grief easier for others.  May 21, 2007 Cafe Med will host our 1st annual fundraiser with proceeds going to the facility Alex put his faith in, and I still believe it is on track to find a cure for this horrible disease.  I'm asking for your help by coming and supporting this worthy cause. 

                     Thanks for your support  

                             Dede